Raw:https://e-hentai.org/g/579827/bb7ea20aee/?p=1
Buy:http://www.melonbooks.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=IT0000162561&gro_ignore=1
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Bounty from atomicpuppy https://e-hentai.org/bounty.php?bid=18178

Translation by Kiyo21

This is my very first TL Jp>En
Please let me know, if you spot any mistake
Thx

Edit: Fixed some error. thanks to someone

For your first translation/upload, I think you did a pretty good job. I read through it and I've compiled a short list of a couple of spelling errors and some sentences that can be reworked. Some of the translation was a bit stilted, but I didn't focus on the nitty gritty, just the main stuff I think needs fixing. Someone else can come in and be more thorough if they want to, because there's some stuff I didn't bring up here. I just wanted to give a quick little scan.

Pg 6 change "somone" to "someone"
Pg 8 change "firend" to "friend"
Pg 11 -"I didn't expect you're being in this state because of blowing" to "I didn't expect you to be in this state just because of a blowjob"
Pg14. "I'll feel like to burst" to "I'll feel like I'll burst"
Pg14 "iinside" to "inside"
Pg16 "..if I don't do what he tell" to "if I don't do what he says"
Pg 17 "my hand won't be stopping" to "my hand won't stop!" or "my fingers won't stop!"
Pg 20 "You're even desired on your own" is unclear. Did the JP text mean she was desiring sex/his dick on her own? If so, then the text should be changed to something better. As it stands, it sounds like you're saying that she is desired, when that's probably not the case.
Pg 21 "...my pussy getting this wet" to "...my pussy is getting this wet"

Forgot the page, but IIRC there's a part where you wrote "sit on the closet", and I think you meant to type "toilet" rather than closet.

Remember, just because me/others may point out mistakes, it doesn't mean your first translation is "bad". Like I said, I think you did a pretty good job for your first TL. You should see some of the other translations people put up. Some people put up worse stuff than this and they've been doing it for years. Learning from your mistakes is genuinely one of the best ways to learn. Thank you very much for this upload, and I truly hope to see you continue to translate stuff in the future!

Edit: Looked over your fixes. Translation looks miles better now, good job! Like I said, I didn't go into the nitty gritty, so I mean it's not completely perfect, but now there are no spelling errors, and it is 100% understandable which is the goal of translations, aren't they? A great baseline for you to hit for now and future releases as well, which I look forward to. Again, good job my man.

Last edited on 29 June 2018, 08:26.

Base +15, Braltewrakcus +9, Iroald +6, kurzwaltz messer +6, Ch3n9 +6, abyss_nova +6, Megaton +39, Bactinus +6, atomicpuppy +39, MSD.Tenshi +6, ビンビン +5, Ktullanux +6, IncognitoMaud +6, and 4 more...

@aleden Thanks a lot! it's really helpful! this kind of explanation is what I expected. I'll try it harder next time.

Base +6, abyss_nova +6, Megaton +39, atomicpuppy +39, MSD.Tenshi +6, ビンビン +5, IncognitoMaud +6, John Becker +9, the_d4foeq +6, vlnn +3

Ugh, this has such a promising start. Like how innocent she is, REALLY like how she tries to talk her way out of it, very down-to-earth and believable...aaaaaand then he plays the blackmail card, she falls for it completely, starts enjoying it, it's just another completely unremarkable rape and break doujin. Whatever.

Base +12, ilferion +6, MoonShine +7, HikariNiwa -6, KiraKazumi -6, ss567 -6, mysteryaccountname +6, doublepanda +6, atomicpuppy +39, George642 +9, purrant +6, rjimenez666 -6, konohata +6, and 6 more...

Alternate translation.
https://e-hentai.org/g/1332554/20e100d6bf/

Art 6. Plot 7. Sexiness 8. Translation 5. True to character 7. All out of 10.

Base +8