Re-re-uploaded with more translation and grammar fixes.

From fanbox: https://raigyocreative.fanbox.cc/posts/7127634

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hey, I'm talking to Raigyo and fixing the grammar mistakes in the doujin. I believe he'll post a version with the fixed English later once I'm done. Can you please post that one too? Thanks!

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Mating press.

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When the Monopoly Night gone wrong.

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Every male in this? Yeah, all me.

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Okay, Raigyo messaged me and said he fixed the mistakes. Idk if you can update this post or have to make a new one, but I'd like to see the correct English version!

Base +6, throwaway1245725 +10, huhtech +36, AhKai +6, youknowme911 +6, Darknessend +6, orasmase +11

Still got a few glaring issues.
p6:
-"Nephilim's temperature is higher than a human body's!"
-"Her fangs are tickleling"
p7:
-"Her throat thightening"
p8:
-"WE STILL HAVE A PLENTY OF TIME, SO LET'S DO IT ONCE MORE TIME"
p22:
-"If you do that so, we'll let you come in at the same time!!"(I still have no clue what this sentence is even trying to say)
Not to mention a good number of sentences are phrased awkwardly, using exclamations like "owww" where they should really be something else, and the inconsistent capitalization and punctuation.
It's unfortunate because this is really fantastic otherwise, but so much of the text just slaps me out of it with how strange it is.

Base +6, Darknessend +6, orasmase +11

@SirWalrus bruh no way. For Page 8 I told him to write "once more", not "once more time". And for Page 22, I said "If you keep moving your hips like that, we're gonna cum in you at the same time!". I also had no idea what it was supposed to mean, but that was the best I could come up with. He didn't change that line at all though. The "tickleing" and "thightening" I somehow just didn't notice. I messaged him about the grammar mistakes in the sample and told him about those two, but it looks like he didn't change those and I missed them this time around. And what's the problem with the Nephilim line? I'm not sure I get it, unless it's supposed to say "Nephilim" instead of "Nephilim's"? Idk, I can't tell with that one.

Also, could you tell me what other mistakes there are, like with the capitalization and punctuation? I thought I did a good job with the grammar part, but I guess not. And yeah, some of the lines themselves are still a bit strange, can't do anything about that, I couldn't just write whatever I wanted lol.

Base +6

For the body temperature line, first of all, it's awkwardly phrased. Nobody would randomly start talking about body temperature in the middle of sex, they'd say something like "This bitch's pussy is the hottest I've ever felt! Guess it's because she's a Nephilim, huh?" If you wanted to keep the same general sentence structure and wording, though, a more grammatically correct sentence would be "A Nephilim's body temperature is higher than a human's!" Starting without the "A" is just wrong, and it makes no sense to leave the specification of *body* temperature to the end.

In regards to capitalization, usually, it's the vocal exclamations that are uncapitalized when they shouldn't be. Doesn't matter that they're not really words, they should be capitalized, they're at the start of the sentence. Also, certain sentences are in all caps for literally no reason, the sentence doesn't suggest the person is yelling it in any way.
p2:
-"w..wazzup..."
p4:
-"haah.."
p8:
-No reason for "WE STILL HAVE A PLENTY OF TIME, SO LET'S DO IT ONCE MORE TIME" to be in all caps.
p15:
-No reason for the second and third dialogue bubbles to be in all caps.

As for punctuation:
p6:
-"Her fangs are tickleling my glans" (no punctuation)
p7:
-"Uh hu What?" (likely should be "Huh? What?")
p9:
-"Hey~Bae did she freeze up?" (likely should be "Hey Bae!~ Did she freeze up?")
p13:
-"owww It's cute how" (likely should be "Ahhh... It's cute how")
p14:
-"Drink that cream down bitch!" (Missing a comma after "down")
p15:
-"SHE'S A GODDESS RIGHT?"(Missing a comma after "Goddess")
p17:
-"Alright, leave it to me" (no punctuation)

Base +6, ZAZAAZ +9, orasmase +11

@SirWalrus This is so annoying, because I already told him to fix most of those things... Like the capital letters at the beginning of sentences and the missing punctuation. Idk why he fixed some things but not some others.

And on Page 13, I thought it said "aww", didn't notice it was an "o" and yeah, that makes no sense now that I see it. Also, on Page 9, I told him to write "Hey Bae~ Did she freeze up?". I moved the swirly line, but didn't put an exclamation mark. I wasn't sure if I should've put it there because of that swirly line, I thought the sentence would look weird if it had both, but it looks fine now that I'm looking at it. He didn't even change the line of course tho lol.

As for sentences in full caps, idk I just thought if he wanted them in full caps then I can't just tell him that that's a mistake or something.
And yeah, I agree the temperature line is awkward, but I didn't want to just completely change it from the original, just make it so the English is correct. But I guess forgot an A at the beginning, that's my bad.

And what do you think of the line I wrote for Page 22? He didn't change it from some reason, but I mentioned it in my previous comment.
Thanks for all the help though! Some some of these things I already told him about and he just didn't change it, but some I also missed myself, so thanks!

Edit: why tf did someone downvote this 💀

Last edited on 21 December 2023, 02:44.

Base +6, Egomaniac -6, c2653652@trbvm.com +6, Katsureva +6

In regards to the page 22 line, doing a quick google translate of the original Japanese, it looks like it's supposed to be in response to them making out beforehand, something along the lines of them not wanting to be apart, and the guys cumming at the same time. So my perspective is to have the line be "If you really don't want to be separated, then we'll fill you up at the same time!" Something like that.

Base +6, ZAZAAZ +9

oooh I see, thank you! If that's what it's supposed to be, maybe the previous line should be "They don't want to be apart", instead of "They won't be apart"? The line seemed a bit off to begin with, but now I think it would make more sense this way, especially in context with that next line.

ok he said he fixed it, hopefully he didn't miss anything this time lol.

Last edited on 24 December 2023, 19:32.

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>p24
>All scenes are fictional and may differ from reality
Bros I don't feel so good all of a sudden...

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A lot more readable than how it first was. There's still a couple of small errors here and there, but honestly, I think this is about as good as it'll get. Nothing completely smacks me out of it like it did before.

Base +6

well, it looks like he wrote everything I told him to. Don't think I notice any other mistakes, other than some lines being weird in general lol

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