Wanted to practice redrawing on this one since it seemed to be on the easier side. Since the other translation isn't great in my opinion, figured I'd translate and typeset it too. Mainly CH->EN translation, but I looked at the JP raw to make sure it was roughly accurate.

Raw: https://e-hentai.org/g/2820015/7f23f30a90/

CH ver.: https://e-hentai.org/g/2833943/95fe818c51/

Pixiv: https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/115758813
Author Pixiv: https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/41042507

God bless you for your work.

Base +6, ahegaoftw +7, BiBaraLover +6, SweetCandylove -6, Svark001 -7

idk what your telephone + raw checking process looks like but usually telephone retranslations are prone to errors even when the original TL is good. although in this case the original TL might not be so great

003
OG: 何しとるんやいいちんぽなくなんで♥
TL: "What's got you so down? If you don't hurry up there won't be any good dick left ♥"
ED: the first half's a little loose even compared to the Chinese TL (你在幹什麼呢再不快點就要沒有空位了♥) but what's worse is her accent is unfortunately removed

OG: だひれ
TL: "Mmm"
ED: this isn't a moan. the Chinese TL got this wrong too (好好吃)

004
OG: スゴっ♥しゅごいでこのちんぽ♥みゆき おっ♥くるくるっ♥
TL: "It's so good ♥ This dick feels so good Miyuki ♥ Come and join us ♥"
ED: she isn't telling Miyuki to join. the Chinese TL got this wrong too (要去了要去了)

006
OG: ここではチンポハメたいだけハメて
TL: "Use your dicks on me ♥ Fuck me however you please"
ED: wrong speaker, made up TL. the Chinese TL here is closer to the mark (在這裡你們想怎麼做就怎麼做)

OG: 好きなだけイキまくっていいんですよ♥
TL: "Cum however and wherever you want ♥"
ED: this isn't about location or manner/method, it's about degree/extent. the Chinese TL is off too (想怎麼高潮就怎麼高潮)

OG: みゆきさんも遠慮せずにどうぞ
TL: "No need to be so polite, Miyuki-san. Go ahead ♥"
ED: all of the particles matter here esp given the context from the previous panel. this is preserved in the Chinese TL (小幸也不用客氣請吧♥)

007
OG: これおまんこキュンってして
TL: "My pussy is tingling and my head is getting fuzzy..."
ED: it's not a tingling, the Chinese TL is off here too (這個讓小穴麻麻的)

OG: おいひい♥もっと♥おちんぽぉ♥
TL: "Uohee ♥ More ♥ I want more dick ♥"
ED: Uohee? the Chinese TL is off here too (嘿嘿嘿)

OG: 大事なこと忘れている気がするけどもういいや♥みんな一緒で気持ちいいし
TL: "Even though I feel like I'm forgetting something important, it's whatever ♥ Let's just all feel good together."
ED: she's giving a reason, the Chinese TL is off here too (雖然總感覺忘了什麼重要的是但是算了♥和大家一起享受吧♥♥)

008
OG: まだ出ますよね
TL: "You can keep going, right?"
ED: she's not asking about his stamina. the Chinese TL is off here too (你還能射吧)

OG: あなた達も牝である以上
TL: "Since you've all fallen under its sluttifying influence already"
ED: there is no external influence. the Chinese TL is off here too (你麼既然已經雌墮了)

Base +38, Th3 Sl0th +6, hm4ster +7, HeavHo +14, Leonidas23 +10, Syerathe +13, Porokichin66 +9

@rsx205
Thanks for pointing these out. Always good to get corrections. Had a few questions if you don't mind:

003
I did notice that this character has an accent, but I was unsure of how to replicate it in English. Do you have any suggestions?

I wasn't able to find any results when I looked for the meaning of だひれ, what does it mean? The Chinese ver. is not a moan, but I didn't think it was correct either so I went with a moan.

004
The Chinese TL actually got this right, 要去了 means the same thing as 行く, going (orgasming). I wasn't able to find anything about くる also directly having this meaning, which is why I didn't translate it this way, does it also have such a meaning?

006
*

*

Which particles did I miss?

007
*

Should have done more research on this one, I thought it was just a moan.

*

008
*

Is there not external influence? The top right panel introduces the orb, which should be the external influence.

Base +6

just saw this again after tagging another precure work by this author

003
> I did notice that this character has an accent, but I was unsure of how to replicate it in English. Do you have any suggestions?

it's ultimately up to you as the translator as long as the reader understands that it's an accent and a standard dialect

> I wasn't able to find any results when I looked for the meaning of だひれ, what does it mean? The Chinese ver. is not a moan, but I didn't think it was correct either so I went with a moan.

she is speaking with her mouth full

004
> The Chinese TL actually got this right, 要去了 means the same thing as 行く, going (orgasming). I wasn't able to find anything about くる also directly having this meaning, which is why I didn't translate it this way, does it also have such a meaning?

I mentioned the Chinese TL got it wrong. you are correct about what they meant in their translation, but they are still mistranslating. maybe look into くるくる vs くる, and maybe consider the precure context as well

006
> Which particles did I miss?

there is only one in the line, just emphasizing being included or being invited

008
> Is there not external influence? The top right panel introduces the orb, which should be the external influence.

I was talking about the actual content of the line being translated, not the plot. If you really want, you can split up that line word by word and help me follow the logic of your translation

Base +39, Syerathe +13