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[Jordi] Injoku Hime [English] [SMDC]

[じょるでぃ] 淫辱姫 [英訳]

Doujinshi
Posted:2013-01-22 09:48
Parent:None
Visible:Yes
Language:English  TR
File Size:13.34 MiB
Length:33 pages
Favorited:570 times
Rating:
148
Average: 4.69

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Posted on 22 January 2013, 09:48 by:   shadow_moon    PM
Uploader Comment
pixiv : じょるでぃ
http://www.pixiv.net/member.php?id=614375
the comics
http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=12921995

Translated and edited by myself.
Check my blog for DDL, other releases and info on releases: http://smdc-translations.blogspot.com
Also, feel free to leave some feedback, comments and suggestions (specially regarding spelling, fonts, grammar and translation comprehension).
Posted on 22 January 2013, 10:56 by:   Linkernator    PM
Score +48
So that princess planned her own humiliation? Damn!
Posted on 22 January 2013, 15:28 by:   requiem90    PM
Score +52
Sir, you are great!
Posted on 22 January 2013, 22:50 by:   pihip    PM
Score +55
Well now that's a creative way for royalty to relieve their boredom.

*Then it was discovered that she's an avid reader of de Sade's works*
Posted on 22 January 2013, 23:47 by:   lolpvp123    PM
Score +17
thank you so much
Posted on 23 January 2013, 01:14 by:   phumia    PM
Score +36
My dreams have come true :D
Posted on 23 January 2013, 07:01 by:   Hezard    PM
Score +19
Definitely falls into my hentai category of "Not sure what to think of this :", regardless thanks for the upload.
Posted on 23 January 2013, 07:02 by:   Lamz0r    PM
Score +25
You sir are a true gentleman and a scholar.
Posted on 24 January 2013, 03:39 by:   solowing    PM
Score +111
This is probably one of the best works I've read in a long time. Great job.

That said, I do have a little bit of grammatical feedback.
On #5: "I Heard that she bursted in violence when reaching the princess' room!"
I'm not fully sure what this sentence is supposed to convey. Are they saying that she bursted into the princess's room in a violent manner, or that she essentially became violent when she reached the princess's room? A small point that doesn't really hurt the overall dialogue, but it's finer points like these that add polish to your work.

Also on #5: "That's really true!" The 'really' here doesn't sound natural. Though I can only imagine how it was written originally, as someone who's been studying Japanese myself, my guess would be that you chose to translate that sentence a more literal fashion? One suggestion for rephrasing could be simply "Definitely!" or "I agree!" But again, I don't know how it was originally written.

On #6: "...And becoming everyone's bashing object..." The phrase "bashing object" isn't really something I've seen used in English. Some possible replacements might be "toy" or a "spectacle for everyone"

On #14: "Ain't I still the princess of this kingdom?" It's the "ain't" here that is a bit questionable, as it represents an abrupt change in the princess's style of speaking that--more importantly--only happens in that one line. At all other points her lines are written in completely normal (proper, even) English, and then suddenly she whips out that "ain't" out of nowhere. It's a noticeable inconsistency.

On #17: "A specially built, sturd crucification stand!" Just a small spelling error.

On #21: "I'll stay in this position and unable to move for 3 days...!?" Another small error. You're a missing the word "be" between "and" and "unable". The sentence would read "I'll stay in this position and be unable to move for 3 days...!?"

On #23: "This is trully entertaining, my princess!" Another small spelling error. One less L in 'trully'. =p

And that's all I noticed. It bears repeating however, that you did a great job.

EDIT**
For page 14, "Aren't I still" or "Am I not still" would both be appropriate, based on the style of dialogue used for her throughout the rest of the work.

The issue with the whole "bashing object" thing is that I can't think of a directly similar term or phrase in English. There are definitely ways within the language to get the same meaning across, but not without rewriting the sentence to some extent, and I don't know how liberal you want to be with the translation. I know some people prefer to be as literal as possible when translating, in the interest of retaining the author's writing.

EDIT2**

The best I can think of for that speech bubble would be something along the lines of her becoming entertainment for everyone. Or a spectacle, like I said previously. Like xelzy said, it would be a bit redundant, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing in this case. Reiteration in hentai is common and often appropriate.

Personally, I'm fine with the way she speaks, overall. She doesn't need to sound overly formal just because she's nobility; that can come off as heavy-handed. Especially if in your opinion the author didn't write her dialogue in a particularly formal tone originally.
Posted on 25 January 2013, 21:47 by:   shadow_moon    PM
Score +54
Thank you for the feedback solowing.
I'll correct the spelling errors and check the other points you suggested.

Now, about some of the pointers you made.
On page #5
As far as I could get, the idea was not really specified (as far as I could tell). From the context, I'd believe that the idea is that she acted violently only in the princess' room, thus getting caught.
EDIT 2: Ok, just rechecked the original. A more literal translation would be "she worked a riot in the princess' room". The verb used (work or 働く) can be used as "to do" or "to perpetrate" too and the noun (狼藉) can be translated to " violence; outrage; riot; confusion; disorder". One could understand the phrase as "She caused a riot in the princess' room" or "She outraged in the princess' room".

On page #6
Is "bashing toy" correct? Only "toy" seems lacking something.

About page #14
I really don't know how to write in formal speech, which is presumably used by nobility (which explains why I didn't do it). But in that specific point, I just can't think of another way of wording her question. "Aren't I still...", "Am I not still...", I don't know. "Ain't I still..." sounds much more natural to me here.

EDIT:
I see. So, what's your sentence suggestion for page #6? I'm not really tending to a strictly literal translation and I'm also open for suggestions so feel free to do so!

@xelzy
Thank you for your feedback too!

The guess I made when I started translating this was right, I'd have some trouble wording the princess' speech (though, as far as I could tell, her speech in the original was far from formal).

With the feedback, this one will surely have another release. I need to check the original text again to comment on some of the points you made so I'll make them later as I can't do that right now.

EDIT 3: About the "bashing object" expression, I found the word "derision" looking up in the dictionary and it seems like it could be used there, writing as: "And becoming everyone's derision...".

On page #15, I rechecked the original to see the last balloon. It seems I've completely changed the meaning there, most likely to try keeping the flow of thought. Anyway, she's saying that doing what she's doing will attach an image to her that will be irreparable. Guess I'll stick with that and try to word it in a way that sound fine.

About your point on page #26, in the original it's not specified either. The maid is just saying that it's dangerous to become violent. I understood that she was scolding her for struggling earlier. I don't really see a problem on how it was worded. It's not exactly clear to what she's referring, but it's not like it doesn't have any logic. Considering the scene, could you give a suggestion for that speech?

Edit 5:
Two online dictionaries says that "derision" is also "an object of ridicule or scorn" and not only the act itself.
(http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/derision and http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/DERISION?s=t), that's why I thought about using it. But again, I don't know how common it is used with that particular meaning.

Edit 4:
@OkitaSouji
Thanks for your feedback!

About the "bashing object" problem, I don't know what I'll do about it. I thought about keeping "becoming everybody's derision" as it's less specific than "pilloried criminal", though that term makes sense in the story's context, as you pointed out. I'm just not sure whether "derision" is a word that commonly used the way I want to use it.

On page 15, I came up with "This punishment will leave an irreparable scar" (where "irreparable" could be replaced with "permanent", "eternal" or similar), thought I do feel the rewrite I used there followed the flow of her first thought better (maybe I should make the rewrite more clear).

I also swapped all "executions" for "exhibition".
Posted on 25 January 2013, 22:26 by:   xelzy    PM
Score +28
Wow! This is really incredibly hot and your translation is very good. Unlike most doujins this one really benefits from being in English. The princess' monologue turns an already hot scene into a persona voyage of discovery in which each new humiliation builds the tension higher and higher. I'm particularly impressed by how the artist establishes her as a person with dignity and poise to lose in only two pages. In three beats her nudity goes from empowering (page three) to utterly degrading (page five).

Points on the translation:

Page 5: 'I can't bear' should be 'I can't bear it'

Page 6: 'Bashing Object' - the problem here is the word 'bashing'. 'Bash' is a childish/comic word and not at all suitable for the scene.

'and To be made a spectacle off' would work, but is redundant with the previous and doesn't conclude the chain of thought.

I'd suggest some combination of 'everyone's Pain/Torture/Whipping/Punishment Object/Toy/Doll/Whore' as replacements. None of these sound completely natural but that's good in this context. It conveys the formalized, ritualistic nature of this festival event. I'd go with 'Pain Doll' personally, because it evokes the straw dollies sometimes sacrificed at European harvest festivals.

Page 9: I'd recommend removing the word 'unexpectedly' from the first panel. It's redundant and sounds unnatural.

Page 12: Here's your second big problem. I'll go further than Solowing and say that there are several points
in where the princess' 'voice' is too informal for the rest of the text.

'No way' could be replaced by 'Impossible' or simply 'No..no!'

Page 13: 'But don't worry' should just be 'Don't worry' as
the maid is not responding to anything.

'This Public execution' - this is a problem I've seen a lot in
translations from Japanese. In English 'Execution' means the death penalty specifically.
This line would be clearer as 'The publilc punishment'.

Page 14: 'Clear orders of showing no mercy' should be 'Clear orders to show no mercy'

'Ain't' is a big problem as Solowing said. It should be 'Aren't I' to fit the character better.

Page 15: 'It is the worst' again, far to informal. I'd suggest 'It is hell!' or 'It could not be worse'
if you want to stay close to the original.

'This is way to far from what I can do privately' sounds odd in general and I'm not sure how to fix it.
'This is nothing like what I imagined' would work, space permitting.

Page 16: 'Bashing object' again, same problem, same solutions.

Page 17: 'torturing device' should be 'torture device'.

Page 19: 'During' should be 'through' or 'throughout'.

Page 21: 'this position and unable to move' could also be 'this position unable to move' without the 'and'

Page 22: 'Way too embarrassing' is another break in her voice. 'Totally Humiliating' would be better.

Page 26: 'It's dangerous to outburst here' is unclear. Is she scolding the princess for
her struggling on the previous page or warning her not to pass the enema early?

[Edit]: Thanks for the response ShadowMoon. I must advise you that 'and become everyone's derision" is a pretty serious grammatical mistake. 'Derision' is a noun referring to the act of mocking/the mockery itself, rather than the subject of the mockery. 'and become everyone's object of derision' or 'and become an object of derision' would be correct.

OkitaSoujis' suggestion of 'and turned into a lowly pilloried criminal' is very strong. 'a lowly pilloried object' would also work.

[Edit 2]: Interesting, I've never heard the object definition before. Just from the feel of the phrase I suspect it's an archaic usage.
Posted on 25 January 2013, 15:00 by:   OkitaSouji    PM
Score +27
Hey, nice job on the TL and editing. Actually, really nice job on the editing. Going to jump in on the feedback train here though:

I've looked over the original Japanese and since this is 1. a Pixiv work and 2. the author is taking particular pains to use words that are archaic and formal-sounding,

page 5b2: 賊の女 in the context of the bystander's statement on page 8 "Trying to rebel against the Empire? Serves her right." warrants translating 賊 as rebel or enemy instead of thief, "So that's the rebel woman who snuck into the castle?"

page 6: instead of 哂し者 it's very possible the author made a typo when he meant 晒し者, especially considering that no one would conjugate 哂う with a random し. Now how you want to translate that depends on how you want to approach her language stylistically, but I would translate that as "and turned into a lowly pilloried criminal" with a TL note on Edo period punishments.

Page 14: I vote "Am I not?"

page 15 last bubble: You seem to have caught the problem. The entire phrase 取り返しのつかない is a saying meaning can't be undone or can't be recovered from. "I can't recover from appearing like this?" This is just a complete pain to translate. Don't tell anyone but I secretly think what you've already written makes better sense. #paranoia

page 26: 暴れる translated as struggle is better than outburst. I suppose the logic is that with the enema, if she struggles, she'll shit herself more easily, and that's "dangerous" in terms of her humiliation

@xelzy: http://ds.reddit.com/r/bestof/comments/14zw76/alayavijnana_explains_the_meaning_behind_the_he/

Same applies to executions, I suppose? No comment on the translation though.
Posted on 24 September 2013, 03:48 by:   Spacewarp    PM
Score +9
Holy f**knuts, Batman! I've always been a fan of self bondage, and especially self bondage gone awry. This, though, this takes it to an entirely new level. This was easily the hottest thing I've seen on this site in the last four months (or more)! Edit: last year, and counting!

I drop to my knees and thank you, kind sir, for your choice and your translation, and I bow deeply in gratitude the author in Japan.
Posted on 27 March 2013, 18:19 by:   ralanr    PM
Score +23
Now that my friends, is public humiliation done right
Posted on 08 November 2013, 05:39 by:   dnbdave    PM
Score +11
Spacewarp: Holy f**knuts, Batman! I've always been a fan of self bondage, and especially self bondage gone awry. This, though, this takes it to an entirely new level. This was easily the hottest thing I've seen on this site in the last four months (or more)! Edit: last year, and counting!

** Exactly what you said. I have no words for this, it's just so far off the top of my hot scale.

xelzy: Wow! This is really incredibly hot and your translation is very good. Unlike most doujins this one really benefits from being in English. The princess' monologue turns an already hot scene into a persona voyage of discovery in which each new humiliation builds the tension higher and higher. I'm particularly impressed by how the artist establishes her as a person with dignity and poise to lose in only two pages. In three beats her nudity goes from empowering (page three) to utterly degrading (page five).

**Perfectly and eloquently stated, I can add no further praise.

The only downside is the art, and it's not a deal breaker by any measure. Boy if we only had more beginning artists from the pixiv community writing and drawing stuff like this. If anyone has recommendations for other works along these lines PM me, I'd love to hear since good ones like this are hard to find. I'll imbue you some karma, or gift some credits or hath... whatever. =)

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