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The Old Kitsune [English] [Rewrite] [Chocolate]

Doujinshi
elzi  PM
Posted:2013-12-17 15:32
Parent:None
Visible:Yes
Language:English  RW
File Size:7.65 MiB
Length:23 pages
Favorited:1009 times
Rating:
290
Average: 4.60

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Posted on 17 December 2013, 15:32 by:   elzi    PM
Uploader Comment
Someone asked me to try removing the wrinkles from the lady in this and to try to make her look younger. I dooo think she looks great as she is, but I wanted to please this person and I got a really strong impulse to work on it too, so I ended up trying it.

He also asked me to try doing a rewrite, and I didn't really want to do that at all, but I had a really romantic related kind of dream after that, and now I've kind of done the rewrite anyway, and thought I should include it. The rewrite also has changed mouths so she is happier and sluttier across the entire thing, and one page has had a panel swapped out because it just seemed so oddly placed with what was in the page previous to it. Then at the request of another person I've now saved a third final set that is the rewrited dialogue withOUT the deaging.

I know most people are against rewrites, but I still thought should share it anyway, since some people might still be able to enjoy it.

Credit goes to Blumeino and his wonderful friends for gathering and translating and sharing it in the first place ♥

Edit: Thank you for replies ♥ And I understand too, and knew that rewrite would not please many. The large amounts of text was asked for by the original requester, and was made to please them. Originally was much less text and had different ideas, but they asked for many things to be included. If you like, can try and make another set with slimmed down text :)
Posted on 18 December 2013, 00:52 by:   mojomunkeez    PM
Score +169
I think you did a nice job with the de-editing, even if you might be displeasing the "We need more milfs with wrinkles" crowd in the process.

My biggest critique about your rewrite can be summarized by this page (even though I dislike relying on TvTropes): http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TalkingIsAFreeAction

I get what you wanted to capture, but it's just too much dialogue for each bubble. They look positively crammed already from the thumbnails. Here's to seeing you improving in your next work.
Posted on 17 December 2013, 16:14 by:   strus    PM
Score +15
Awesome stuff, and by keeping two versions in one place surely everyone must be pleased
Posted on 17 December 2013, 16:17 by:   gooeyjohn    PM
Score +404
This is why people don't like rewrites, the ridiculous speech, bad English and typos only serve to destroy your suspension of disbelief.
Posted on 17 December 2013, 16:35 by:   penislord1    PM
Score +78
An interesting idea, but it defeats the purpose of the original. You may be able to edit out the wrinkles, but she still has granny tits.
Posted on 17 December 2013, 17:09 by:   Himajin Breaker    PM
Score +98
An idea: put wrinkles on Izuna. It'll be good for a laugh.
Posted on 17 December 2013, 18:27 by:   mysterymeat3    PM
Score +15
I liked the aged version more just because fetish, but the de-aged version is pretty good as well. You did a good job with that. The rewrite seems forced. Can't say I like it, but it's definitely better than a lot of other rewrites I've seen. You've got potential. I'd recommend you try again. As long as there's already a translation out, it's not like you'll do any harm.
Posted on 17 December 2013, 20:08 by:   Lantus    PM
Score +53
The edit was nicely done work, but I agree with mojomunkeez on the rewrite. You have, quite simply, FAR too much text crammed into each bubble. You should be cutting it down by half, at least. Each bubble should optimally have have one 'thought', getting across the main point of what's being said. Especially when you have limited space (like a rewrite where you can't make new bubbles over the ones already there) 'thought space' is at a premium. You should be saying the most interesting or provoking lines, letting your story flow, and leave the reader to fill in the smaller gaps. You're also repeating things a little too much; we get that the pregnancy is the big 'story' here, but overusing the main theme takes away from it. Take page 14 for example where cutting out "You even filled... made me pregnant." makes the bubble flow much cleaner, though I DID like the "try for twins" line.

I hope you take this as not a chastisement, but some advice to help make your work better!
Posted on 17 December 2013, 20:36 by:   Blue Exile    PM
Score +33
Thanks for the de-edit! Can't hate really because there's another version with the wrinkles..
Posted on 17 December 2013, 23:57 by:   kikimaru024    PM
Score +156
So you've basically Photoshopped a 2D woman...
Posted on 18 December 2013, 00:06 by:   lolihat    PM
Score +113
What kind of sick perverted man didn't like wrinkles?
Posted on 18 December 2013, 04:29 by:   Hezard    PM
Score +16
Neither version is really my cup of tea, I still however enjoyed the original for being different and your edited version for the effort you put into it. But no matter what I'll almost never truly like any rewrite, nothing against you personally but every rewrite I have ever read was never quite in harmony with the flow of the original manga. As such they always make me feel like I'm being scammed.
Posted on 18 December 2013, 09:06 by:   plahplah    PM
Score +16
i prefer the wrinkles, but i can masturbate to both
Posted on 17 January 2014, 21:49 by:   Alesin    PM
Score +24
Why this story is so short? Hot milf kitsune - I like it.
Posted on 28 March 2014, 19:58 by:   Trundle    PM
Score +28
Love it love it love it. Everything about this is pretty super.
Posted on 03 May 2015, 20:44 by:   hentaisearch    PM
Score +27
This is great! Never seen anything like it before. Really nice job with the wrinkles, though I'm not into them. Would've been pretty creative if you used the original art at the end of your rewrite, but with different dialogue to show aging or a time skip even if it is the same positions.
Posted on 07 May 2016, 16:18 by:   terminator8000    PM
Score -35
i like these type of romantic relationships wich girls respect their lovers and care for them....i hate female domination and humiliation....these sould be banned from this site forever they make me very sad :(

oh yeah right.....keep voting me negative :/ i will show you later.......
Last edited on 26 February 2017, 19:39.

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