Page 7: "Does the school always had this cabin?" Page 8: "it looked like that stuffed animal love this sweet smell", "You girls are the student of magic school right?" Page 11: "Get your filthy hand away her right now" Page 21: "It looks like licking a clitoris is too much for her" Page 22: "As expected of virgin's pussy" Page 26: "Doesn't it feel good when both your pussy and anus get bang in?" Page 29: "Both her front her back are rumbling like crazy"
And in general awkward phrasing and missing punctuation.
Base +6, Zakuzelo +14, m42a +16, 151132 +8, NoAngel +6
I don't see anything wrong with P. 21, 22, 26. grammar-wise it's not wrong. Other pages, I can understand that I'm missing "and", "from" or minor tense issue etc.
awkward phrasing << Examples? So maybe I can come up with better phrasing next time.
Base +7
Posted on 18 September 2020, 17:28 by: the dru one
Score +7
@Majala
For page 21, "licking a clitoris is too much for her" makes it sound like Mirai is the one licking someone else's. Something like "licking her clitoris" or "having her clitoris licked" would work better.
Page 22 you want "As expected of a virgin's pussy." Leaving out articles (a, an, the) isn't incorrect, technically, but it sounds strange, and is widely recognized as a "non-native English speaker" indicator (stereotypically associated with Russians).
Page 26: "Get bang in" is ungrammatical. "Get banged in" would be grammatically correct, but the "in" at the end would be awkward (and extraneous). The quick fix would be to change the end of the sentence to just "get banged" (with no "in"), but my instinct is that it might be better to rephrase the whole sentence to something like "Doesn't it feel good getting banged in both your pussy and your anus?"