This is my first translating h-manga
there is stil some of grammar mistake here and there (or a lot)
so i hope you guys can help me suggesting which one need to be fixed
or maybe any of you can take over translating this manga to become readable

@ 黒あるた

I don't consider myself especially fluent or anything.

Page 1: Remove the u from "Humph"

Page 2:
to have sex with succubus --> to have sex with a succubus

Haaaa? --> Huuuh!?

Do you want to die? --> while correct, it's too stiff and formal. It might be better as "you wanna die!?"

That is when I was ten years old --> better to remove "That is";

Page 3:

It was an erotic book about succubus --> again, it's like in page 2. Alternatively, don't insert "A" but use the plural form of succubus, "succubi"

The story is about... --> The story WAS about.
You have to keep the verb tense consistent (since it's a flashback they all have to be in past tense.

I'm gonna stop here.

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Being new to translating isn’t an excuse for butchering the English language.

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Chad and King.

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@kurzwaltz messer
Thank you
this is what i need
I will fix it soon

@Rinkles
I know, that's why i uploaded it here
So people can help me with this

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Wanting to learn is good, but using the gallery as a playground is usually frowned upon. If you want to learn, you can try looking for an editor, who can check and fix your translation, helping you out with these stuff. That is what an editor is for.

People won't mind fixing a couple minor mistakes, but if every single page has an error, people will just tag your work "poor grammar", rate it low then move on. In which case, you won't learn anything either. So get an editor. Or maybe consider joining a group looking for translators.

Only quickly scanned thru' the thing and I have a few comments:
- The typesetting looks good enough for me. Maybe some experienced TS will have something to say but to me it looks plenty decent, or worlds ahead of people who post their first work.
- One big issue with your English is the complete lack of subject-verb agreement. Also random "to be" verbs followed by normal verbs, which does not happen in English. Please run your translation through a spell+grammar checker. All these elementary issues can be caught easily by a checker.
- Missing punctuation marks everywhere. You need to use more commas to break long sentences. If you don't know what to put at the end of a sentence, then always put a period.
I will not go into the details since there are just too many to even bother, so above are the high level stuff you need to take note of.

Tl;dr: get an editor.

Last edited on 08 May 2021, 22:29.

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Thank you for the suggestion
Yes, I'm really sorry for using gallery like this
I just only want to read this manga from my favorite artist, but there is no translated version of it
So i tried to translate it myself, but it became disaster instead
For a week i don't know what to do to improve it (didn't have a friend who can help either)
Finally i tried to upload it to gallery, hoping people will help correcting this disaster

Really sorry about this

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No problem. :)
We are here to help each other improver ourselves. ^^
You want to learn and to improve yourself, it's always a good set of mind.
Look at what kurzwaltz and Ass Spanker wrote and next time, that will be already better. ^^
And thanks for this story, i didn't knew but the priest is really motivated.

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I GIORNO GIOVANNA HAVE A DREAM!!!!

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Here's a proofread version of the first ten pages. You really need a proofreader to go over your work.

P2
"To have sex with a succubus", not "with succubus".
"Back when I was ten years old", not "That is when I was ten years old".
"A sudden flashback", not "Sudden flashback".

P3
"I found a strange book", not "one strange book".
"It was an erotic book about succubi", not "about succubus".
"The story was about an exorcist raped and squeezed by a succubus", not "The story is about an exorcist being raped and squeezed by succubus".
"When I read this, for the very first time, I--", not "For the first time I read this, I--".

P4
"From then till the age of 26, I would always masturbate to that book", not "From there till the age of 26 year old I always masturbate to that book".
"In order to meet a real succubus", not "In order to meet real succubus".
"I will become an exorcist to realize my dream", not "to realized my dream".
"Is this a chance to drain and defeat this guy", not "to drain him and defeat this guy".

P5
"When you have sex", not "when have a sex".
"Wouldn't this be more fun for both of us", not "Would this be more fun for both of us".

P6
"Just sniffing it makes my head fuzzy", not "make my head".

P7
"You're pretty good at sucking" might be a better phrase than "Nice sucking".
"I can't get enough of that", not "enough to that".
"Tongue", not "tounge".
"My dick is getting harder", not "My dick become more hard".

P8
"Sucking his cock is making my mind fuzzy", not "make my mind".
"My juices won't stop flowing", not "my juice does not stop".
"I will definitely come if he releases it inside my mouth", not "release it".

P9
"I'm cumming", not just "cumming".

P10
"This first shot of sperm", not "This first sperm".
"Get on me and start squeezing me up", not "start squeeze me up".
"If this dick penetrates me", not "If this dick penetrate me".

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Thank you so much!!
i'm so happy, gonna fix it ASAP

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The hero we deserve.

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i want a pet succubi, NOW

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