First time dong a translation! Please forgive and give me feedback as English is not my first language! Thx!

My feedback is that no one should work on a translation into a language that isn't their first, even if they're conversationally fluent, without being helped by someone who speaks that language natively. But if you're going to try, you're not ready to start releasing. There are so many grammatical errors and awkward phrases that I can't give you any advice without delivering an English lecture, and the use of a normal typing font instead of a comic lettering font is a fundamental mistake.

Out of curiosity, what is your native language? Your grasp of English seems good overall, in terms of ability to communicate.

Base +6, as102 +11, Cadavrus +6, cynamonbunz +34, danielwain +9, IngmarS +6, cra959599 +6, uzaidi -12, DrunkSuika +12, Syojima +7, Zoinks +6, kurzwaltz messer +7, africanmajor +6, and 17 more...

it's an honest effort

Base +5, dt1248 +6, Syojima +7, falae +6, memper03 -6, pluckyp +6, DOKKOo +6, ensane +9, iMajinasi +6

First off, I mostly agree with Psychotic Pastry. Right now, your English isn’t good enough for a full release without the help of a native English speaker. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try! It just means that you should keep it as a private, practice translation. It’s even better if you can find a small group of native-speakers to review your draft translations and give you good feedback. They’ll have the experience to point out awkward phrasing, things that don’t work well in English, and any grammatical mistakes.

At your level, I’d probably recommend seeking feedback on maybe a page or two at a time. That way, your reviewers can give it some thorough attention without it being overwhelming for both sides. As the reviewer, it can be exhausting to do a thorough grammatical cleanup. This is especially true when it needs lots of revising. For the transport, getting back a massive list of mistakes can be completely disheartening! I don’t always have a thick skin, so a rough review can throw me off for an embarrassingly long time. Shorter, more frequent feedback sessions helps mitigate that.

I don’t have time to give comprehensive feedback, but here are some examples:

* Inconsistent capitalization: Sometimes, you capitalize the word ‘I’, but other times, you don’t. It should always be capitalized. Similarly, some of your sentences don’t start out with capitalized letters. Although this is mainly when characters are groaning or moaning, it really stick out when they transition to another sentence in the same bubble. (Page 4 has an example of this.)

* Typos: On page 4, “exicited” should be “excited.” It’s also very odd that ‘Hiori’ is sometimes spelled ‘Hiyori.’

* Word tense: On page 1, “Then, what happen to me!” should use the past tense: “happened.”

* Strange comma placement: For instance, “Why, am I here?” sounds wrong with the comma. It makes the word “Why” seem like less of a questioning word. Similarly, “How, am I there?” is strange.

* Punctuation placement: Usually, it’s very weird to put the punctuation after a line break, without a word immediately preceding it. On page 6, “Both of you are safe! Thank goodness!” the exclamation marks really need to follow the words ‘safe’ and ‘goodness’, without line breaks.

* Awkward phrasing: There’s a lot. Honestly, there’s weird phrasing in basically every single page. This is also really tough to directly address and improve upon. I think the biggest thing you can do is work on the grammar fundamentals first. Working on word tense and comma placement would turn the awkward “What happen to me?” to a natural, “What happened to me?”

This is definitely a downer post. It’s tough work to really reach strong fluency in a language. I feel bad about writing about how far you still have to go when you’ve obviously reached the level where you can make yourself mostly understood. However, you’ve still got quite a bit of work to do.

Best of luck with your studies!

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Absolutely agreed with AlephFish's more comprehensive and gentler reply. I put a lot of my tone into my voice instead of my words, so it's easy for me to forget that my choice of words might feel blunt or harsh. I'm sorry if that happened here.

Base +6, Syojima +7, Zoinks +6, pluckyp +6, DOKKOo +6

Thanks a bunch, I'll keep those comment in mind. I mainly converse in my native dialect, and my first language is Malay.

Base +7, Syojima +7, nibelounge +4, falae +6, pluckyp +6, DOKKOo +6, iMajinasi +6, J Shadow +6, Le non y mous +6

@ryuuda

If you're looking to get into the translator game and want to translate Idolmaster doujins, my group is looking for more translators to work on them. We can definitely provide translations feedback and grammar support. Let's talk at my group's Discord server: https://discord.gg/HgkbjSH

Last edited on 09 May 2021, 08:43.

Base +8, IngmarS +6

Here's a proofread version of the first six pages. However, this only corrects the grammatical errors -- most of the untouched sentences, while grammatically correct, are punctuated badly. Most of the lines should also really be rephrased to make the dialogue sound more natural.

P1
"You're finally up, are you", not "Finally gotten up have you".
"I was starting to get worried that you wouldn't wake up at all," not "I was starting to get worried, that you're not getting up".
"Hiori-chan's boobs are a bit on the smaller end, but they're quite sensitive", not "Hitori-chan boobs are a bit on the smaller end but its quite sensitive".
"What happened to me", not "Then, what happen to me".

P2
"It's the guy who kidnapped us and took us into his car", not "It's the guy that kidnap us into the car".
"Why are you worrying", not "How are you worrying".
"It's just like you to be concerned about the others, Hiori-chan", not "As expected, still thinking about the other member, aren't you Hiori-chan".
"Even if you say that, your body is still getting turned on" might be a better phrase than "considering that your body still getting turned on".

P3
"Getting an erection just from seeing your own body", not "Looking at your own body and getting an erection by it".
"That body is doing it on its own, you say", not "The body is doing on its own".
"Here, I'll help you get even more aroused" might be a better phrase than "There, I help you fap more".

P4
"Hiori-chan's pussy is getting wet", not "Hiori-chan's pussy is getting a little bit exicited".

P6
"He injected me with some weird drug", not "He injects me".
"There's a disgusting otaku inside her now", not "Just some disgusting otaku inside now".
"We came here because you're too slow, Hiori-chan. Aren't you done yet?" not "We come because you are slow, Hiori-chan, are you still not done".
"Mano and I have already had sex", not "Mano and I already have sex".
"Hurry up and finish it, Hiori", not "Hiori, quickly finish it".

I strongly recommend that you have someone proofread your work next time.

Base +37, IngmarS +6, see-eff +8, Glovelove. +8

I don't think there are any issues releasing something like this. As long as you are not charging money for it and screwing people over by not living up to their expectations, any translation is better than no translation. Others are free to do a better version or just revise this translation if they want to. It is very easy to see you are not a native English speaker, but it is still quite understandable. This is far better than the MS paint machine translations you can find here.

Image quality: Decent, it is not high-res but it is from a clean digital source. File sizes are somewhat bloated, use a lossless PNG optimizer afterwards or increase the compression level when saving it. It is not an issue due to the low resolution, but it is suboptimal. (The use of PNG is fine, it is better than screwing up the JPG recompression at this resolution.)
Cleaning: No significant issues
Translation accuracy: Can't judge this one as I can't read Japanese
Translation editing: Lots of mistakes here as mentioned
Typesetting: Several issues, font choice could be better, a comma as the first thing on a new line, text hitting the edge of text bobbles, etc.

For a first translation by a single person, I would say it is above average. Find someone to help you to correct your English and spend some time going over the corrections, this will help with improving your English as well. For the typesetting, you can easily improve it by putting some more effort into it, I feel like lack of attention was the main issue here.

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@spillerrec Unfortunately, “Any translation is better than no translation” is a fundamentally flawed mindset.
If any translation exists, it ***dramatically*** lowers the chance of a work being translated again, even if the one translation that exists is so broken and awful that you may as well have put the manga through Google Lens on your own.

So, a bad translation being put out on this site does actually hurt more than no translation existing. It means that a proper translation is far more likely to *never* exist.

Last edited on 09 May 2021, 19:38.

Base +8, m42a +17, IngmarS +6, Ouroboros186 +6, lilmagi +6, b911 +7, sleazeball +4, brian10103 -6, Scarlet99 +6, IncognitoMaud +6

100% agreed with Sylvrwolflol, just look at any work that was translated by AdolphBrix who was active a few years ago. His works were a complete dumpster fire of near unreadability, yet despite that complete and utter lack of quality and even doing works in a series that had some chapters done by much better people, none of the things he worked on have ever had a proper translation. He definitely did more harm than good by releasing his translations, I don't think the one who did this intends to do the same thing, but they really need more practice and really good proofreaders if they want to continue translating, to ensure bad translations don't remove any chances of good ones.

Base +7, IngmarS +6, Ouroboros186 +6, b911 +7, Scarlet99 +6, IncognitoMaud +6

Girls turning into males is more disgustingly homosexual than an entire group of men having a lemonparty.

Base +6