My first time translating a hentai manga/doujinshi, I hope it goes well.

Raw: https://e-hentai.org/g/1941713/ede7aca45b/
Korean: https://e-hentai.org/g/1945580/32a7f14738/
Chinese: https://e-hentai.org/g/1971252/0b7601d6a6/
English: https://e-hentai.org/g/1985709/112e929434/ (here)

Thanks!

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The more complex grammatical structures slipped you up. Or rather, structures that required context to do correctly slipped you up. For example, on page 4, you went with "I like this, I love this!" when in fact she's just thinking about how much she loves Otaku-kun. "I love him! I love him so much!" would have been better. Similarly, on page 6, you went with "Something lewd came out of the tip" when in fact she says, "There's something coming out of the tip of it, it's so lewd!" (the distinction being that the precum itself isn't lewd, the entire concept of a rock-hard cock with precum dribbling out is lewd). But I mean...it's a functional translation.

Best of luck with your Japanese lessons. Hopefully as you learn more, you'll get better at translating. I'd recommend learning more -before- translating things for public consumption rather than learning -by- translating things for public consumption, though.

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I dont know...

Thanks for trying? The choice of words kinda off but the editing was nice tho
btw in page 25, "Hey, am I the only one who's in love with you~?" "w-what about otaku-kun?" sounds better?

maybe i am wrong since people usually comment me being bad at grammar. :))

Base +8, Grimmy32 +9, Gabygabycandid +6

I cannot give any constructive opinion since i bad at both japanese and english, and given the fact that this one was your first effort and it's free platform, i just able to give a salute thanks.

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The dialogue in this translation is a bit unnatural and stiff in some places. I don't know if this a result of a literal translation or just the lack of experience in translating (maybe both), but it wouldn't hurt to get someone else to double back on it and help brush up on it.

Examples of said dialogue:

P.5: "For you to masturbate easier I'll make it easier to see, okay?" The sentence is a bit repetitive so it could just be changed to "To help you masturbate, I'll make it easier (for you) to see. Okay?"
P.6: "Pour it on me!" The word "pour" is a bit out of place here. I just imagine a bucket load being poured onto her in this situation.
The typical thing most translators would put is "shoot it on me" or "cum/come on me".
P.17: "I was excited by peeing." You could change "by" to "from". Even though they mean the same thing in this case, I think "from" would be more common in this case.
P.25: "Hey don't you think I like you?" You could change "think" to "know" because that just seems more natural. Also the "what" in "w-what about you?" could be switched out for "how" instead.
They mean the same thing, but "how" kind of makes more sense in the context of the situation. (How do you feel about me?)

Honestly, I think most of it comes down to preference and you could pretty much discount the last two examples as such.
Other than these things I pointed out, I'd say it's solid compared to many others' first time translating at least when it comes to the English side.

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The girl basically played 4D chess on him.

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I love it when the mind controlled character actually mind controlled the mind controller first. Even better that she's a total masochist getting him to be sadistic.

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Thanks for the translation! That was a surprisingly wholesome hypnosis story!

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