RAW: https://e-hentai.org/g/2104825/e42d99f8dc/, https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/9563241
2022-01-21: Thanks for the corrections, Nomake Wan.
2022-01-22: More corrections.

It appears you actually used the Chinese TL as your 'raw': https://e-hentai.org/g/2107591/b122e731f0

One can compare the leveling, censorship, page order, and the additional content near where the spine would be on this translation, the CN TL, and the JP raw to confirm. If you used the CN TL, it may explain why the translation was off. Perhaps this is a CN -> EN translation, and not a JP -> EN? In any event, you list the JP raw in your gallery description and this book only has an official Japanese release in the first place, so as such I will be comparing the English translation to the Japanese raw. As this is a 26-page book, only 10 errors need be listed, but I'll list 30 just to be sure.

Page 2 Panel 2
This translation: "Can't you just suck on my breasts like usual?" {implies Emma is begging for it}
Japanese text: ね...ねぇ 今日はおっぱい吸わなくていいの...?
Author's intent: "S-Say... Are you sure you don't want to suck on my breasts?" {Emma is beating around the bush here, by no means begging}

Page 2 Panel 4
This translation: "That's really nice of her, but I still feel a bit lonely." {Implies Emma is lonely}
Japanese text: 嬉しいけど...ちょっと寂しいかも...
Author's intent: "I'm happy to hear that and all...but that kinda leaves me wanting..." {It's actually Emma's boobs being neglected that's the intent here, not Emma's self}

Page 3 Panel 1
This translation: "Huh? What am I doing, playing with my own nipples!?"
Japanese text: 何してるの私…こんな…自分で触るなんて変態さんみたいだよ…っ
Author's intent: "What am I doing...? Something like... playing with my own nipples makes me just look like a pervert...!" {Emma's introspection here was completely dropped from the translation}

Page 3 Panel 1
This translation: "N-No, it's because she sucked on them so much that I...!"
Japanese text: 私…おっぱい吸われるのクセになっちゃってる…！？
Author's intent: "Could it be...that having my breasts sucked on has become a habit...!?" {Translation omitted the actual text in favor of the unspoken reason why the text exists; keeping the author's intent is more important than explaining it}

Page 4 Panel 3
This translation: "How many times does this make?"
Japanese text: また一方的にイカされちゃいました…
Author's intent: "I was forced to cum one-sidedly yet again..." {Intent here is focusing on her being forced to cum while her partner has been ignoring their own pleasure}

Page 5 Panel 1
This translation: "Even though Kasumin should be on top,"
Japanese text: かすみんが主導権を握りたいのに
Author's intent: "Even though Kasumin wants to take the initiative..." {This TL implies Kasumin is usually on top but now isn't; author implies Kasumin is always on the bottom but wants to try taking initiative}

Page 5 Panel 3
This translation: "and start feeling sensitive...!"
Japanese text: 大事なとこがキュンキュンして…
Author's intent: "And I start quivering down there..." {Author specifically refers to Kasumin's "precious place" as the spot that is reacting to this treatment}

Page 5 Panel 4
This translation: "This isn't cute in the-"
Japanese text: こんなの全然…
Author's intent: "This isn't what I--" {This line isn't referring to the cute comment that comes after it, but is a continuation of all of Kasumin's introspection preceding it}

Page 5 Panel 5
This translation: "You can't just say that now!"
Japanese text: もう…！ずるいです…っ
Author's intent: "Jeez...! That's not fair...!"

Page 5 Panel 5
This translation: "Senpai..."
Japanese text: や…♡ゆうせんぱ…
Author's intent: "No...♡ Yu-senpa--"

Page 6 Panel 2
This translation: "time's up for today."
Japanese text: 私もう帰らないと…
Author's intent: "I really need to be going..." {She's not referring to the timer here, she's referring to needing to leave instead}

Page 6 Panel 2
This translation: "My wallet is already tight enough as is..."
Japanese text: 今月お財布がピンチでさ…
Author's intent: "My bank account is really hurting this month, you see..." {While the literal is 'my wallet is in a pinch', the implication is that her living expenses are suffering, and also it's specifically referring to the current month, not in general}

Page 6 Panel 3
This translation: "..."
Japanese text: う…
Author's intent: Urk...

Page 7 Panel 3
This translation: "There's no way I can leave when she makes that sort of face!"
Japanese text: こんなおねだりされたら帰れるわけないじゃん…っ
Author's intent: "There's no way I can just leave when she begs for it like this...!" {There's no reference to her face or expression; just the begging}

Page 7 Panel 3
This translation: "M-" "More...!"
Japanese text: もっと もっと…ください…っ
Author's intent: "More!" "More...please...!"

Page 8 Panel 3
This translation: "Don't sneak up on me like that!"
Japanese text: き…急に後ろから抱きつかないでください…！
Author's intent: "D-Don't just suddenly hug me from behind like that, please...!" {Author specifically wrote hugging from behind, not just appearing}

Page 8 Panel 3
This translation: "Your skin is so smooth, Setsuna-chan!"
Japanese text: せつ菜ちゃんほんとお肌綺麗だよね
Author's intent: "Setsuna-chan, you really do have such beautiful skin!" {JP refers to how beautiful it is, not how smooth it is}

Page 9 Panel 1
This translation: "Cut it out-"
Japanese text: ですから私は……っ
Author's intent: "I just said, my name is--!"

Page 11 Panel 2
This translation: "Wait, am I really gonna do this while she's still asleep!?"
Japanese text: 何してるの私 寝込みを襲うなんて…
Author's intent: "What am I even doing? Assaulting her in her sleep is just..." {The implication 'assault' here links to a later comment as well, see below}

Page 11 Panel 4
This translation: "I was. You'll still continue, right?"
Japanese text: 襲ってくれないの～？
Author's intent: "Aren't you going to assault me~?" {She uses the same kanji for 'assault' as Yu used above, implying Yu's thoughts above had leaked out into the open}

Page 11 Panel 4
This translation "O-Of course!"
Japanese text: お…襲います…
Author's intent: "I'll...assault you then..." {Again, same kanji as above for 'assault', and she has trepidation over it, not excitement}

Page 12 Panel 2
This translation: "How cute! You're twitching, Senpai.♡"
Japanese text: 先輩のお豆さん♥ぴくぴく♥してて可愛いです♥
Author's intent: "Senpai's little bean...mm...is twitching...mmff...so cutely!♥ {The heart marks in the JP text are where she stopped talking to continue eating Yu out; additionally she refers specifically to Yu's clitoris twitching, not Yu's body in general}

Page 13 Panel 2
This translation: "I bet I'm gonna pass out again,"
Japanese text: 私…今日も気を失うまでイカされちゃうのかな…？
Author's intent: "Am I...just gonna be forced to cum until I pass out again today...?"

Page 13 Panel 3
This translation: "even though I'm older than her. She'll make a complete mess out of me,"
Japanese text: 年下の女の子にめちゃくちゃにされて恥ずかしい姿全部見られて…
Author's intent: "This girl younger than I am will make a complete mess out of me, and get to see me at my most shameful..."

Page 13 Panel 5
This translation: "and God, that's such a turn-on!"
Japanese text: なのに私…どうしてこんなに興奮してるの…？
Author's intent: "Yet why am I... Why am I so turned-on by it...?"

Page 14 Panel 3
This translation: "Yep, so why don't we kick it up a notch?"
Japanese text: そろそろ次のステップに進んでもいいかな
Author's intent: "I think we should be good to move on to the next step by now." {Rather than 'kick up a notch' which would be 'to intensify', she refers to moving on to the 'next step', such as in 'next base'}

Page 14 Panel 4
This translation: "C'mon, don't be shy!"
Japanese text: おいで ゆうゆ
Author's intent: "Come here, Yuyu."

Page 15 Panel 4
This translation: "...Wow, you really went and pushed me down, huh?"
Japanese text: …ゆうゆに押し倒されるとは思わなかったな
Author's intent: "...I never thought you'd be the one to push me down, Yuyu." {That she thought it and Yuyu's name were both omitted from the TL}

Page 15 Panel 5
This translation: "This ain't so bad either!"
Japanese text: めっちゃ興奮するし
Author's intent: "It's a huge turn-on for me!"

Page 16 Panel 3
This translation: "Stop. There's plenty good about you, Rina-chan."
Japanese text: 何言ってるの璃奈ちゃん
Author's intent: "What are you talking about, Rina-chan?" {Replaced author's text with your own}

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It's nice to see people take feedback to heart. Hope you keep improving!

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