https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/97251312

Base +6

TL advice: stop trying to stick 1:1 to Japanese structures. It makes everything sound extremely disjointed, and even wrong at times.

ex: p.1 S-suddenly // talking about kissing... // I'll be troubled...

Suggestion: It's a l-little embarrassing... // for you to tell me that you want to kiss... // out of the b-blue...

Also, on punctuation:

1. Add periods. No, this is not optional in English, even for manga.
2. Try to keep ellipses on the same line as the text. Sometimes it's not possible, but ALL your ellipses are on their own lines, which really should be a last resort.

Base +16, TCJJ +7, cybeast93 +13, Lostalgia +9, Zanen +6, scarlet aria +6, funk_u_up +13, Bengon +7, alfa kill +6, Mivaza +9

Thanks for the advice! I'll make sure to pass it over to my friends as well so we can work it out.

Base +6, cybeast93 +13, dunker3 +6, Bengon +7, alfa kill +6, Mivaza +9

Damn, ending where it becomes interesting

Base +5