Wanted to end the summer off with a little gift, and here it is.

The translation work was done by myself (meaning it's probably amateurish). Planning on translating the other four, and looking for feedback when it comes to these translated versions. These versions will ONLY include the translated dialogue, none of the extra CG scenes.

To buy the product - JAPANESE ONLY:
Dlsite: https://www.dlsite.com/maniax/work/=/product_id/RJ368709.html
BOOTH: https://uekura.booth.pm/items/3570457?utm_source=pixiv&utm_medium=promotion&utm_campaign=pixiv-promotion&utm_content=work-all_items
Fanza: https://www.dmm.co.jp/dc/doujin/-/detail/=/cid=d_221751/?i3_ref=search&i3_ord=1

Update: I'm planning on adding a English version of each pack once a month. In the order of when the pack was uploaded. The last English pack will drop in December.

Last edited on 29 August 2022, 17:11.

Base +2

I do hate to be critical as you've clearly put a lot of work into this, but some of the translations here are closer to rewrites than translation. The grammar definitely needs some touching up as well in many places.
Comparing some of the RAW text and this text, there is sometimes just removed context and/or entire dialogue just changed.

Attempting to translate this much is definitely a step forward to becoming any translator, but I would definitely recommend having people online help double check grammatical errors as well.

Don't get this the wrong way, everyone has to start somewhere and you should keep going, but I personally don't like seeing RAW text turning into completely different meanings, Like page 42, there is no innuendo there, I get it that it's fun to add character to text at times, but there are more ways to flavor a page than change dialogue. Moca is quite explicit in the RAW, and even outright uses the term "okazu" on that page. Moreover, that whole section is closer to a rewrite. Shikoshiko is an onomatopoeia for jerking off, not "fucked" just something to keep in mind for future translations.

There are always different ways of translating things and there will always be preferences, but I think it's good idea to tell people what kind of translation you were going for.

Base +12

I agree with you on a lot of this. When I went through Moca's page, I debated on either changing the innuendos to match up with the original or remove them completely. Largely because I had a strange feeling that would be very different from the original. Personally, I should've removed the innuendos, and replaced them with the text that matches the original piece. That way the two would've aligned better.

Out of curiosity, I was wondering if you could point some people online that would help find the grammatical mistakes. Because - and It took me until your comment to notice this - I've noticed several inconsistencies with the dialogue. Sometimes I'd say one word, but then use a different word in the next page, and I want to avoid that. But, you also mentioned rewrites. If I may ask, should the way I translate (or at the very least change up the text) be considered a rewrite? Because I - and this may be a massive mistake on my behalf - intentionally changed parts of the text, which I think may have been a bad move, or at least enough of a bad move to not call this a "Translated Piece", more so a "Rewrite".

Base +2, Ahegaosensei +6

I unfortunately don't know people online who do, it was more a general recommendation as there are most definitely translation discords and such out there. I wish I could point out specific people, I'm not someone who interacts with others that often so I tend to not know a lot communities other than knowing that they likely exist. I think even the e-hentai forums has some forums that has people willing to help out for quick grammar checks. This is a huge set, so I don't have the time to check through all of it myself.

I would say intentionally changing parts of the text from the original meaning would be considered a rewrite, but there are specific definitions that I'm not confident enough to argue in terms of e-hentai/e-hentai tagging. At least according to the wiki, intentionally changing the meaning of the text would be considered a rewrite vs rough-translation would be more like misunderstanding or incorrect meaning of the text e.g. using fucked instead the plethora of ways to describe jerking off for "shikoshiko."

Translation can include rewriting the text in a way so the meaning comes out better in the native language. In some instances, some text changed from the RAW can make dialogue smoother or less clunky as Japanese doesn't really use pronouns, so if something is already explicit, using it, or that, etc technically changes the 1:1 translation but translates the text into English better.

There is a line, but that line sometimes moves depending on how well something fits into the translated language. I would say something like the Moca set would be considered a rewrite as it is definitely different from the main text. But in the case if there were innuendos, a Japanese innuendo, or nuance, wouldn't make sense in English that often, you would have to "rewrite" it to make sense for an English speaking audience. This applies to pretty much all cultural and language nuances with translation. It wouldn't be a rewrite even if the innuendo isn't the same 1:1 innuendo, but if the meanings are the same and convey the similar contextual message, then I personally wouldn't consider that a rewrite. Another example you probably encounter is some people keeping honorifics and others don't. For me at least, honorifics do contribute to nuance, so I'm mixed in when to keep them and when to remove them.

Something that I like to see is keeping text modifiers when translating like the hearts or the "~" as it adds a tone to the dialogue being spoken. As many know that text is a pretty bad way of showing tone at times, and you do this by adding italics and such, which is great choice, other text modifiers help. I'll give you an example of how I'd translate page 41 with my also amateurish translation, "Ahh~What are you doing down there~?♥ Are you trying to get a look at Moca-chan's panties? You pervert~♥♥ Moca-chan wonders if she should turn you into the police?~♥"
This also isn't completely 1:1 either, but this is choosing to keep the original text in mind. There really isn't any "should" grammar there and for the 3rd sentence, Moca doesn't even refer to herself. But since she speaks in the 3rd person, maintaining that would be important for continuity. The author also uses "place" but I instead opt for down there as it sounds more natural, nut there are ways to translate that even more literally, except I don't think it should be super literal either. I kept the honorifics here, but honestly, removing would be equally viable.
Of course, adding fluff and other synonyms to make this sound better is always something to consider. Japanese can sometimes be blunt, so like you decided to add innuendoes, that is an option to you can take to add flavor.

I don't think it's a mistake if you think it's the way you want to do it, but if you do it, just mention it as a TN or something. I don't really mind rewrites as much as thinking somethings a more straightforward translation and it misses the meaning of the original text. If that makes any sense.

To be fair, you've done something I didn't have the courage to do as my Japanese is advanced enough to understand grammar and, with the help of a dictionary, translate roughly a lot of things. So, I hope I don't discourage you at all.

You could treat the translation in blocks of course. Finish a group of translations, start translating a new group, then go back to the old one and reread what you wrote to check for errors. Even more so, use a word processor to double check easy misspellings or tense (That those word processors notice).
Something noticeable to is that you use "into or in" when in the context should be "on" or "over" and you interchange them which those words definitely have different meanings.

It's always good to see people who want to improve. Don't take everything I say as the right way either as some people prefer full 1:1 translations and would consider this whole thing a rewrite or some people do prefer your method to an even greater extent. However, that's a whole other conversation in and of itself.

Last edited on 29 August 2022, 21:56.

Base +12, Ahegaosensei +6