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If we went down this story any further it’s gonna be another metamorphosis moment lol

Base +6, cybeast93 +18, oheye +9, AininChase +7, LostWord +6, Megaton +45, Null/Void +5

Initial impressions, the translation seems alright albeit the word choices for a good part of the dialogue still comes off as being too stiff or literal to me.
I see that you have had someone proofread your work this time but there are still numerous mistakes throughout in both grammar and typos.
Also there are random spots in text bubbles on pages 2 and 15

P1
SFX: Sign
How are you Nishimiya > How did you do Nishimiya
Nice mark! > Nice Marks!

P2
That guy always let me copy his homework > always lets me

P3
Furthermore, I'm not sure he could help me with my problem > Furthermore, I'm not sure if he can help me with my problems
Sorry for keeping you waiting > Sorry to keep you waiting
You're nishimiya...is that right > You must be... Nishimiya right? Your translation was too unnatural sounding
Nice to meet you today... > Nice to meet you too.. You should just drop the today altogether

P5
Nishimiya, your expression is somewhat like you are always running out of time... > Far too literal, change it to be something more along the lines of "Nishimiya, I can tell from your face that you feel as if you are running out of time..."
Hmm what's your hobby, Nishimiya > Hmm, tell me about your hobbies, Nishimiya / Hmm, What hobbies do you have, Nishimiya?
My hobby? > My hobbies?
Please tell me > This line is far too direct change it to be more like "I'd love to know"

P6
My mom forbid me to read manga > My mom forbids me from reading manga
Study and enjoyment should balance out. > You should have a good balance of study and entertainment
It is pressure from your parents, > It's the pressure from your parents,

P7
All you need is your own body. A simple way to refresh yourself > Relax instead of refresh
Masturbation is a recreation activity > Masturbation is a recreational activity

P8
I believe he feels uncomfortable about this topic, > This must be an uncomfortable topic for him

P10
For a start, You need to get wet... > For starters, you need to be wet...

That's all the corrections that I'm willing to do for you. Your script clearly still needs a lot of work, a lot of the text reads as if it's translated in isolation rather than being translated relative to the current context and flow of the story. Also a decent amount is just grammatically wrong or incorrect English which exacerbates the confusion that it induces.

Base +2, cutegyaru +17, sonictmp -7, cybeast93 +18, cynamonbunz +38, Megaton +45, Null/Void +5

@ Kyuume I'm new at proofreading and I was worried about making too many changes, apologies, I will try and do better.

Base +47, cybeast93 +18, Megaton +45

@darkwing42

I do understand where you are coming from, from a translator perspective. Even though I'm a native English speaker, during my translation process I too am guilty of producing unnatural sounding English, which is why I proofread and refine after the bulk of the translation is done and with the mindset of a proofreader rather than a translator.

But judging from @ero_ghoul's past work, it appears to me that they aren't a native English speaker nor proficient enough in English to spot these basic grammar issues or form natural sounding sentences themselves. Therefore, I believe you should be more liberal in taking the reigns when it comes to correcting bad or unnatural English as long as you adhere to the original tone and intent of the translation.
Also, like I previously mentioned, I recommend you to proofread things in relation to other text as opposed to in isolation because that was the general vibe I got from the translation after having a closer look. You want the text in each page to clearly flow from one to another in a coherent manner and obvious in the order of which to read them from. Whilst reading this translation, I had many moments where I was confused if the text was switched around or which is supposed to come first.

@ero_ghoul this is my suggestion to you also, pay attention to sizing of each text in a page. It's extremely difficult to know where exactly to start from if all of the text is the same size, namely page 6. You should also clean and re-typeset things like "?!" "!" "..." to match the font that you are using, it doesn't take long and hugely improves the look of the translation. Whenever I see something like that it's a clear sign of laziness and lack of care to me because it really does only take seconds to do.

Base +2, AininChase +7, Megaton +45, Null/Void +5

@Kyuume Thanks for all your suggestion.

Yes, you are correct in some parts that I translated it too literally, I have to admit it that I had no idea how to translate it nicely to English, so I just keep the dialog as close to the original as possible.

And about the clean-up part, you got me again. I actually cut corners a lot in hope of saving time. But I see your point, I will try to do it better in my next work.

Base +2, Megaton +45

@ Kyuume I'm already being a bit more aggressive in a second go over on the second work Ero_ghoul had me work on, I just don't want to make it a so different it qualifies as a rewrite, and I've asked Ero_ghoul to let me know if I stray too far from the original meaning to prevent just that. Thank you for the advice, I will do my best.

Base +47, Megaton +45, Null/Void +5