Translated by: Kenren (https://yakudou.com/) for a bounty.
Edited by: Scumbini (me)
RAW: https://e-hentai.org/g/2338202/8e8eed5b2c/

A very nice official lore doujin.

After some deliberation I decided that, never having played with the dub, I preferred Homura/Hikari to Pyra/Mythra and that's what the TL went with too. If you played with the dub please know you made the wrong decision. :^)

Also went with the digital version over the scan because it's just that much easier to work with imo.

I'm still a big noob at editing so let me know if I fucked something up plzkthx.

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Or don't, I ain't your daddy.

EDIT: Tweaked some text boxes as suggested by Kyuume and applied a handful of fixes for errors pointed out by CellTF. Much obliged.

Generally, I would say you did a pretty decent job at typesetting especially in terms of shaping and sizing.

But you go way too far when it comes to the taller bubbles or thoughts, for example page 20 when it says "Loook, Rex. It's the ass you love~."
You really don't need to make it that tall since it just ends up looking silly. And in that case, the full stop / period is redundant imo since the tilde is present.
This applies to every other instance where there is a tilde at the end of the sentence as well.

Another example is page 22 where it says
"Let's have the best feeling "squirt squirt"... of the day." where I can see that you deliberately put the last 3 words on their own line in an attempt to again make the text taller.

Another thing I'd like to touch on is the combination of the "-" and "..." like on page 5 where it says "H-... Homura, wha-..."
This may not be your fault since you didn't write the script but, in the future stick with one depending on the tone or context.
If it's just a brief pause then use "-" otherwise, use ellipses to indicate a longer pause or that the sentence is being continued in the next bubble or elsewhere
If you use the dash then try to keep it together l-like this otherwise it ends up looking a bit awkward and disjointed.

That's all from me

Edit: Looks much better now and about the hyphens and ellipses I hadn't actually considered that to be the case but maybe that's just me.
And perhaps that's a bad habit of mine when it comes to oversimplifying for the sake of clarity and readability lol

I didn't mention it earlier but having a look again now, the thoughts or side dialogue definitely stick out to me in a number of ways, but I'm not quite sure how to explain it.
Most of them I believe to a tad too big and feel out of place to me and just in general, the positioning of them feels inconsistent? Like on page 13, the first one clips outside of the panel even though it doesn't do that in the raw. That's something you definitely shouldn't do because it makes it stick out even more. When it comes to positioning these you should think about the flow of the dialogue and so using page 13 again as an example, I see that from the raws it should read Homura's nipple > Smells so good. > Does it taste good? But with how you currently have "Homura's nipple" positioned higher than "Smells so good" and so it doesn't draw as much emphasis and also, the font size isn't varied enough to again draw emphasis.

It would also probably be a good idea to use a different font altogether given the amount of side dialogue or thoughts. But maybe consider that after tweaking it first with the above in mind.
That's just something I feel that might make it clearer and help the reader differentiate between the given dialogue types.

Make of that what you will, just some additional thoughts I had

Last edited on 29 September 2022, 02:52.

Base +2, DarkTemplarXIII +6, cybeast93 +19, Slarka +9

@Kyuume

>But you go way too far when it comes to the taller bubbles or thoughts
You're absolutely right, have to keep that in mind going forward. Bad habit I'll try and break. I've gone through and toned it down.

>Another thing I'd like to touch on is the combination of the "-" and "..."
I think the intent of the hyphen into ellipsis is to mark the sudden stop/stutter mid-word into an extended pause. Whether that's proper, or gets the point across, is another thing I suppose.

Much obliged for the comment in any case.

Edit:
>Most of them I believe to a tad too big and feel out of place to me and just in general, the positioning of them feels inconsistent?
>It would also probably be a good idea to use a different font altogether given the amount of side dialogue or thoughts.
I used italics throughout to indicate when they were supposed to be thoughts, the reason P13 looks notably bad (besides the placement as you noted) is because I fucked the regular dialog font and made it italic too. A separate font isn't a bad idea and I'll keep it in mind for the future. For now I tweaked the placement and fixed the fonts on P13. Hopefully this'll teach me to not do my pre-release QC check when I'm tired... Thanks again.

Last edited on 29 September 2022, 03:23.

Base +42, QJD1381 +6, Slarka +9

Dammit, I can hear the scottish accent in my head, I can never escape.

Base +9, TragicNoScoper +6, SourceH0 +6, ComplexSavior +6, Generotic +8, Slarka +9, Anson1234 +6, MechWarriorNY +10, eatlyh +6, Akdav -11