this is my first amateur translation

I mean from just the first page

004
OG: あっつ…
TL: "ahh..."
ED: "It's hot"

OG: みんな遊ぶために水着持ってくって言うから
TL: "Everyone is having fun, they even brought their swimsuit..."
ED: "Since everyone said they were bringing swimsuits to play in" (continued on next line)

OG: 私も水着を用意したけど…
TL: "I even wear one too..."
ED: "I brought mine too, but..."

OG: 指揮官に見られると思うと何だか無性に気に食わないわね
TL: "He saw me in the swimsuit but for some reason I don't feel like it..."
ED: along the lines of "The thought of having the commander see me like this makes me very uncomfortable"

OG: 別にアイツに見せたくて着たんじゃないしホントだし
TL: "I didn't wear this to show it off or something..."
ED: at the end she says "honestly" for emphasis but that's probably a nitpick

kinda don't feel like tagging the rest atm

---

adding just enough to meet the rough TL/grammar requirements

005
OG: そういえばコイツだってすっと忙しかったんだし…
TL: "Come to think of it, he is always busy, yet he only saw it once..."
ED: you added the part about "[seeing] it once"

006
OG: あいつが元気なら気を使う必要もないんだけど！
TL: "Anyway, he doesn't sound suspecting, I need to be more careful...more importantly..."
ED: "If he's doing fine, then there's no need to worry about him!"

007
OG: よ～し動いたことだし飯にするか / みんなで海の家に移動するぞ〜
TL: "Alright Everyone!" / "Let's take some rest, and go get some food, we're having bbq party today!"
ED: along the lines of "Al~right! Now that we've gotten some exercise, how about some food?" / "Let's head over to the beach house~"

OG: なんなのよ一体！！
TL: "What the heck is this scripted event?"
ED: you added the part about a "scripted event"

OG: 行くけど… / 行くわよ…
TL: "Yes yes...I'm going...I'm going alright..."
ED: "I'll go but..."

009
OG: なんでこんなに風が強いのよ…
TL: "Uhh...How can i end up at this place...It's quite windy too..."
ED: "Why's it so windy..." why do you add extra dialogue

OG: なんか出てくるんじゃ…
TL: "Eh...? This sudden creepy feeling? ....I'm I being follow?"
ED: "I hope nothing pops out..."

011
OG: N/A
TL: "you can stop knocking..."
ED: you added this text

012
OG: N/A
TL: "don't get the wrong ideas!"
ED: you added this text

013
OG: N/A
TL: "let's have some compensation ♥"
ED: you added this text

---

004
"their swimsuit" -> "their swimsuits"

008
"So if someone secretly sneak in at night"
"Surely no one would noticed!"

009
"not a single person insight..."
"I'm I being follow?"

012
"Sorry for taken this long~"
"I'm just came to see you..."

013
"at time like this"
"planing to show it to me?"

014
"keep quite like this"

015
"you're expected this to happen"

Last edited on 16 October 2022, 16:23.

Base +18, dankestdungeon +22, MC Arisato +6, Baraduke -3, blackgrunt +11, PinguPrin +7, Tarball +13, Derhguy443 +6, Ashvinoth +7, andystevens1997 +9, that4znkid +8, lazorboy96 +6, alllifeinfate +6, and 3 more...

For future use since this is your first translation.

1. Wrong resolution. You used the 1280x downsized version of the images. Download the archives or download the non-downsized torrent (right side.)
2. Some of your translation is wrong.

Page 4
Your TL: ahh...
JP text: あっつ・・・
Author intent: So hot...

Page 4
Your TL: He saw me in the swimsuit, but for some reason, I don't like it
JP text: 指揮官に見られると思うと何だが無性に気に食わないわね
Author intent: "For some reason, the thought of being seen by the commander in my swimsuit is [extremely] displeasing."

Page 5
Your TL: Come to think of it, he is always busy, yet he only saw it once...
JP text: そういえばコイツだってずっと忙しかったんだし
Author intent: Idk where the entire "yet he only saw it once" comes from. It doesn't even make sense. "Come to think of it, he's always been so busy..."

etc.

There's also some weird grammar in there. ex: p.5 "Isn't!..."

edit: ok by the time i posted this rsx205 already commented lol

Base +18, darkdepths +17, dankestdungeon +22, Baraduke -3, andystevens1997 +9, that4znkid +8, lazorboy96 +6, alllifeinfate +6, Shunyo +6, Mastemo +8, grg0r +1

thank for your opinion

most of the line i know it meaning but feel trouble bringing it to en cause I not good at writing (english literature isn't my strongest suit)

and I didn't look at source materials when i re-edits some of the line ( i would think an editor would help since they can read in a different perspective than the tl'er)

and the first one was embarrassing i know she mean it's hot but for some dumb reason i didn't put in

Base +6, dankestdungeon -22, Baraduke +3, watdis -6, Aelthas -6, iamthegang -8, Athray Aiko -8, andystevens1997 +9, that4znkid -8, literkus -6, lazorboy96 -6, spierdalacz -9, Teh_Red_Guy -12, and 4 more...

Yeah, not gonna lie, this translation is pretty rough.

Base +16, that4znkid +8, lazorboy96 +6, WhosThatGuy +6, Shunyo +6, grg0r +1

gdi and I was looking forward to this new Syoukaki

Base +7, that4znkid +8

Translation leaves much to be desired, but thanks for the effort nonetheless.

Base +6, andystevens1997 +9

Yet another doujinshi that no one will ever bother to translate again.

Base +6, that4znkid +8, lazorboy96 +6, Shunyo +6, Mastemo +8