A lovely comic from Shitaranana.

I translated this based on my Chinese translation so it may not be accurate.
Please comment if you find any typo or grammatical mistake.

RAW
https://www.pixiv.net/artworks/100423816

Typo / grammatical corrections:
page 1: "with a serious face"
"I'll play first," though "I'll go first" is more natural for the situation.
page 2: "my attack may have failed"
your comment: "any typos or grammatical mistakes"

Suggestions: it stands out when people don't use contractions; therefore, unless you have a reason not to, always use them:
page 2: "then we'll go"
page 4: "but I'm being serious"
Otherwise, the character sounds awkward and robotic.

Lastly, the font you used is comic sans. While this may look similar to common fonts used on this website, it's looked down on as seeming unprofessional.
I recommend changing the font to the style used here: https://e-hentai.org/s/b2ba249783/2354979-3
While I don't know its name, you probably can find the answer quickly on the forums. Using it would instantly improve the impact of your posts.
edit: Happy to help.

Last edited on 23 October 2022, 17:51.

Base +6, number20007 +10, Hern4n_ +6