There's a first time for everything, so I decided that this was the first thing I would edit and upload.
This wildly out-of-season 'remastered' version features redrawn backgrounds, rewritten dialogue, artisanal decensoring, and the same image of a vagina I drew and modified three times.
I literally have no idea what I'm doing, so point out any suggestions, if that's what you're into.

Raw: https://e-hentai.org/g/1162524/28a49743e9/
First translation: jfji552 https://e-hentai.org/g/1162941/9527ad18be/

OOOOOOHAYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Base +7, Lostalgia +8, fappingfury +7, musoukaXIV +10, fibonaccitpost +5, GhostStalker +8, araara12 +6, IaY +10, Xsidius +6, Sprachmein +4, DFC42 +6, Socratics101 +13, rotar zairo +10, and 22 more...

Looks pretty well for your first attempt. Thanks for the release.

Base +8, fibonaccitpost +5, Lostalgia +8, Miriah +7, KaTIOWa +6

@cyrukus
You know raw is available, right? In original they used "www" which is jap internet "lol"

Base +19, musoukaXIV +10, fibonaccitpost +5, GhostStalker +8, oneiwonder +7, Pr1de +6, Lostalgia +8, rotar zairo +10, Megaton +39, Draw99Gray +17, Miriah +7, IncognitoMaud +6, alllifeinfate +6, and 1 more...

30 fps waifu is the best

Base +6, oneiwonder +7, Lostalgia +8, Vanilla Cream +6, SonicGTR +6, Megaton +39, KaTIOWa +6, Arara_project -6, GhostStalker +8

OOOKIITEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Base +4, Lostalgia +8, DFC42 +6, pluckyp +6, KaTIOWa +6, Elbowsmash +6, doranikof +7

Kaguya luna doujin? i've seen it all.. oh wait kizuna ai had one also. oh well. *jumps aboard*

Base +6, Lostalgia +8, KaTIOWa +6, Fortuna +6

I commend your efforts of going through with a full redraw on this. That's hard work. Although it is quite heavily edited, it would have been polite to credit my original translation, at least in the upload description, like you did for the raw. Some suggestions for things you might want to fix: You definitely lost something from the original dialogue where Luna mentions that her senpai is creepy/gross (きもおおい) on page 7 and the mutual teasing (からかいあい) on page 8. I didn't really compare the edits in detail, but I remembered those two things. On page 7 it should say "who is" or "who's," not "whose". The big pool of leaking cum in the third panel of page 6 looks very flat and could use a little bit of shading.

Last edited on 16 April 2018, 17:30 UTC.

Base +15, Lostalgia +8, tears_zero +12

@jfji552
>it would have been polite to credit my original translation, at least in the upload description, like you did for the raw.
Done.
>On page 7 it should say "who is" or "who's," not "whose".
Oops.
>The big pool of leaking cum in the third panel of page 6 looks very flat and could use a little bit of shading.
That was a part I was stuck on for a long time because I didn't know how to handle it, made a couple of edits now that hopefully look better.
>You definitely lost something from the original dialogue where Luna mentions that her senpai is creepy/gross (きもおおい) on page 7
He didn't seem all that gross :s but I can see how that loses some of the original. How about "sleazy"?
>and the mutual teasing (からかいあい) on page 8.
The phrase seemed off and I wasn't sure how to make it sound less awkward. Is "Continued to be my sexfriend in this mutually teasing relationship" any better?
Going to hold off on uploading any changes for a bit. I only kind of understand how expunging works, so I don't think I'm supposed to make too many different edits in a short timespan?

Base +1, Fatrobo +6

Thanks for adding the credits. A drawn out "kimoi" feels a bit stronger than sleazy to me. The other line is better, but using a Japanese English word like sexfriend when it's not in the Japanese might be a bit funny. Maybe something like "kept being fuck buddies while teasing each other"? Also, I don't think you're supposed to expunge the old version. Old versions will get hidden when you use the option to update the gallery, but they still remain accessible.

Base +15, Lostalgia +8, tears_zero +12

To me, "Continued to be my sexfriend in this mutually teasing relationship" and "kept being fuck buddies while teasing each other" read as essentially the same. It's true that 'sexfriend' is a loanword that isn't in the raw, but 'fuckbuddy' is a piece of western slang that sounds even more out of place.
The one liberal change I do want to make --and this is probably going to be unpopular-- is to the bottom part of page 2, which the other version says "Hey, gimme some food~ / I'm kinda hungry! / After we'll do our best! Let's think of something!", and mine says "Hey, treat me to dinner~ / I'm kinda hungry! / After that, let's do our best! We'll think of something!", both of which are fairly nonsensical.
I'm thinking "Hey~ / Shouldn't you treat me to dinner first? / We can think of something fun to do after that!", which sounds more playfully teasing and less childish, which to me fits the story more appropriately.

Base +1

Those two sentences reading the same is pretty much the point. In an English translation, it is perfectly fine to use English language slang, when it accurately conveys the meaning that the author originally want intending to convey. When you start arguing with the author ("he doesn't look that gross") and start changing the meaning, leaving out words you consider inappropriate for whatever reason, or putting in words from the source language that weren't there, things are quickly approaching rewrite territory in my opinion. In my opinion, your proposed change to page 2 is actually more reasonable in this regard.

Using "onee-chan" in an English translation can be okay if you are translating for an audience that knows the word and appreciates being able to tell if it's "chan" or "tan" or whatever else it might be. For something like "kouhou" and "senpai," when the words are not used as suffixes and don't become ambiguous on translation, the benefits become less clear, as a well versed reader would likely be able to tell that "his junior" is referring to "his kouhai." At the same time, if you translate the words into English, you are letting people who don't know them also understand the meaning. When you start putting in Japanese words that weren't even there, you should take a moment and consider just what you are doing there, putting words in the author's mouth. As a reader, when I see a word like "sexfriend," I'll assume that this is a word the author used, while "fuck buddy" may or may not have been "sexfriend" in the original. You might of course say that you are just an editor and not a translator and such considerations therefore don't apply, but if you are changing the words, you become part of the translation process.

Base +15, Fatrobo +6, tears_zero +12, Monkeyjoe -6